The Proverbs 31 Woman

Today’s post is in response to an email I received back in July. It's not sports-related, but I think it's relevant, considering most female coaches and athletes tend to be pretty " Type A." I know this has been a struggle for me, so hopefully, this is relatable to the general female audience my site appeals to.

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Hi Coach! I would love to know your thoughts on the Proverbs 31 woman.

-Allison M

Good morning, and thanks for the email! The Proverbs 31 woman gets held up as the biblical gold standard for women, but I think we've sometimes turned her into an impossible checklist instead of reading what the passage actually says. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a woman of exceptional character who is trustworthy, hardworking, wise, generous, financially capable, attentive to her household, and respected because of the life she lives. Proverbs 31:25 (ESV) says, “Strength and dignity are her clothing,” while verse 26 says, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” This isn't a picture of a timid woman standing quietly in somebody else's shadow. She's strong, capable, productive, respected, and clearly trusted with significant responsibility.

That's one reason I think Proverbs 31 should resonate with driven, Type A women rather than intimidate us. This woman works. She plans, evaluates, buys property, earns money, provides for her household, helps people in need, prepares for what's ahead, and isn't afraid of hard work. Proverbs 31:16 (ESV) says, “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.” That's a woman exercising judgment and making consequential decisions. Scripture doesn't present competence, ambition, intelligence, leadership, or financial capability as threats to biblical womanhood.

Where I think women like me can get challenged is that strength can quietly turn into control if we aren't paying attention. When you're accustomed to leading, solving problems, making decisions, and taking care of yourself, relying on somebody else can feel unnatural. We can become so proud of being independent that we start treating dependence of any kind as weakness, and eventually “I can handle it” becomes “I have to handle everything.” That's exhausting, but more importantly, it can expose an unwillingness to trust anybody but ourselves.

I would make one important distinction when talking about Proverbs 31 and submission, though. Proverbs 31 itself isn't a passage about a wife's submission to her husband, so I wouldn't use it to make that argument. Biblical teaching about marriage and submission comes from passages such as Ephesians 5, and even there, we need the whole context rather than pulling one command out and using it as a weapon against women. Ephesians 5:21 (ESV) begins this section with “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and husbands are commanded to love their wives sacrificially, “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” in Ephesians 5:25 (ESV). Whatever biblical submission means, it can't honestly be separated from a husband's responsibility to practice sacrificial, Christlike love.

That's also why I wouldn't define submission as becoming less independent, less intelligent, less assertive, or less capable so a man can feel more masculine. A woman shouldn't have to shrink so a man can feel bigger. Proverbs 31 certainly doesn't describe a woman who has suppressed her strength. Her husband trusts her, and Proverbs 31:11 (ESV) says, “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.” There's strength on display here, but there isn't a power struggle. She isn't competing with her husband for control, and he doesn't appear threatened by her capability.

For a Type A woman, I think that's where some serious self-examination comes in. Being capable isn't the problem, but needing control can be. Having strong opinions isn't the problem, but refusing to listen can be. Independence isn't automatically the problem, but being so fiercely self-reliant that nobody can contribute, lead, help, correct, or care for us can become one. Sometimes we call it strength when the truth is that we've become terrified of needing anybody.

The Proverbs 31 woman also gives us a needed correction to the modern obsession with productivity because the point of this passage isn't that a godly woman needs to do absolutely everything. If we turn Proverbs 31 into another performance standard where women have to build careers, manage perfect homes, raise perfect children, maintain perfect marriages, serve everybody, look good doing it, and never get tired, we've completely missed the point. Her value isn't found in how much she accomplishes. In fact, the passage tells us exactly where the emphasis belongs: “a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30, ESV).

That's the center of the whole picture. Her work matters, her strength matters, her wisdom matters, and the way she cares for people matters, but her character is rooted in her reverence for God. For women who are naturally driven, that distinction is huge because it's incredibly easy to build our identity around what we accomplish. We become the dependable one, the successful one, the one who gets things done, and eventually we don't know who we are when we aren't producing something.

So, when I think about becoming more like the Proverbs 31 woman, I'm not asking how I can squeeze more accomplishments into my day or become some flawless version of biblical femininity. I'm asking harder questions about the woman underneath all that productivity. Am I trustworthy? Am I wise? Do I use my strength well? Am I generous? Can people rely on my character and not just my competence? Can I relinquish control when control isn't mine to have? Do the people closest to me receive the same kindness and wisdom that everybody else sees publicly, and above everything else, does my life demonstrate that I fear the Lord?

For those of us who are Type A, maybe that's where Proverbs 31 hits hardest. God isn't asking strong women to stop being strong. He's asking us to make sure our strength is governed by wisdom, humility, character, and reverence for Him.